Saturday, March 8, 2014

A new year

I wish I was busier so I could be less sad. It's silly but on weekends I can never relax. Things are too still and the bad feelings and the wonky thoughts are too close and I am walking on thin ice for a 48-hour journey. I think I lie too much. I don't lie still enough anymore because holding still is the opposite of moving forward and too close to slipping backward, but I feel like I lie much too much. Hi I am Ally and I'm fine (haha)

I have no more money because my cats ate and shit on all of my savings and that worries me. I want to go surfing and feel the sun but I gained back all the weight I lost after I tried to kill myself (does that set me back to November as well?). Summer classes are almost here and I can already head everyone whisper whisper whispering about how Oh look she's gained weight and bet about when my balloon face will float up into the sun. It's terrifying. I'm terrified. I'm terribly lonely and I don't want company, do you know what I mean? It sounds silly but I think it's a common feeling and everyone can relate and that is another point that argues towards my commonness. Hello I am Ally and I am not anything in particular, not even particularly sad or particularly thin anymore, so what am I?

There is a fly that lives in my room and my cats find it absolutely fascinating but I take it was a sign of my decomposition. If I am stagnant and not moving forward or even slipping falling stumbling backward then what am I doing but rotting? I am not concrete. I am not cement. I am not plastic. I was once a real! live! girl! and now that I'm not, I am the biodegradable remnants of one. I bet that fly crawls under my skin when I'm sleeping and lays it's eggs in between my skin and fat and that's why I can never sleep well.

No comments:

Post a Comment