There's a rooftop in my new office building where I spend 15 minutes every hour and a half walking around in circles, trying to get my steps in and stretch. 

Back in August, in the psych ward, there was a long hallway where I would do the same. Actually, the whole ward was basically just this hallway, doors on either side and a nurse's station at the end, leading on one side to the open common area and on the other a wall. The hallway was punctuated with some couches, doors to the rooms, and lined with handrails. Every hour, I'd walk back and forth ten times, counting each step until I reached 500. Sometimes joined by fellow patients or nurses. 

There's nothing else to do. 

There's sunlight now and I'm back in school, back to a somewhat normal routine but still, I'm walking back and forth, in an endless rote loop, dragging my feet through the minutia of everyday and reliving in my head the memories of who I used to be and the emotions I used to feel. 

Back and forth. Around in circles. Counting the seconds and steps that take me further away from the last time I felt joy.