While I have no real scientific proof to back this claim up, I'm honestly beginning to believe there exists a real link between my orthostatic hypotension and my indecisiveness.

Let's lay out the evidence.

When I sit still for too long and then stand to rise to any occasion, all the blood drains from my head and goes somewhere I can't trace it to. It leaves me when I need it most (there's some deep sadness to mine in that comment, but I don't want to play into my own stereotype of sad girl too much more than I already have). Depending on the severity of the episode, my vision can swirl or simply vanish. But when the lights go out, it's not quiet and comforting like nights back home in Davao. There's nothing to see here, but everything is here. Rather than crickets, it's my own eardrums humming, humming, making they're own sort of music. Who knew tiny bones could be so musical? Who knew you could be made to feel so unwelcome in your own body by your own body? I like to think of my little glimpses into the darkness as sneakpeaks into my own skull. Something like a private tour I've gate crashed and now I can see my own inner workings. The buzzing of my brain cells firing off electric signals to each other.

But then my veins and arteries start working and the blood comes back and I come back to where I was, which is just me standing. It wasn't that great of a feat.

In terms of my lack of fortitude to make real solid commitments, here's what I've got. Listen up. Lend me your ears.

I've never been good at choosing restaurants. So please, don't ask me where I'd like to eat because first of all, let's start with do I even want to eat? Next, such a weighty decision (pun intended) is one I cannot make for another. The pressure! It's the 'pass-the-aux' of social commitments. This inability to commit to things, especially when my decision could affect others, leaks past menus and into every other aspect of my life. If I lived alone on a desert island, I'd be happy and I'd know my daily itinerary. But as sad as it is true, no man is an island and I exist in connection with millions of other people. In Metro Manila alone there 12? 16? How many millions of us? How can I commit to anything, how can I decide anything? How can I move past the fear that any action could butterfly effect and destroy something, someone, or everything, everyone? How can I forgive myself when I do destroy?