So I got out of the psych ward, sat in the dark since the electric bill was inconveniently forgotten about, then I went out with my dog and fell asleep while these two brothers who make me laugh with their dumb accents went out to drink. The dog got hamburger bits, I got sick to my stomach from the damn vape pens. I spent way too much on dresses, new dresses, dresses I'll have first dates and new memories in. Cropped my hair so short you can see my scalp. Then today, today being day 2 since my release, I got a tattoo. It's a patent drawing of a Gatling gun. Been wanting it for a while but finally decided to pull the trigger. All in white. Then I had a job interview for another position in the United Nations.
Ratatatatatatat. Off she goes, spinning and running headfirst into the whatever the hell is next. The mind that never stopped was forced to pace the Makati Med hallway for the better part of two weeks and what do I get in the end?
I'm alone.
I had told my dad, that day, that I was going to kill myself. Hang myself. And he let me go home. Then he changed his mind and had a team of beasts steal me from my home, tie me down, and stick me where the sun don't shine. It's literally a fucking basement, there's no sun. My circadian rhythm has been all sorts of fucked (hence also falling asleep when the two boys were trying to be gracious hosts, but they love the beagle so it's fine). I told him also, that this, this choice he made, meant our relationship is over.
I'm already lonely for Christmas. For holidays and birthdays. I had one person in my corner always and now I can't stand to look at him. So I'm alone. Mind is getting better, I suppose, and the soul hurts less with each breath, though it still stings like a motherfucker. But there's nothing worse, absolutely nothing, than being sad and alone. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and that just so happens to be myself so there you go.
Ratatatatatata. Gatling gun Ally continues screaming into the nothing. I want to avoid saying the void but then again, there I just said it.
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