What do you do when your brain steals away what your heart wants? Start a civil war, of course. For two monthis I've been plagued of war flashbacks of my own behavior ruining the best partnership I ever had before it could even really start. There is no end in sight and there have been significant casualties. 

On one side of the battlefield is a battalion of What ifs. Armed with hindsight, they take their aim and shoot at every opportunity I had to have acted better, held on to things that mattered, where things could have had a different outcome. If I had acted differently, not hallucinated, not felt like a red hot wound and ruined everything? Power weapons of psychological warfare. On the other side is my diagnosis. The war cry: what if what, what if I didn't get sick? What use it is to live in the trenches of blame and shame when medically, you weren't fit for battle? But the battle was started by the brain when that should have been a time of extended peace. Back and forth they go, my heart in the middle of their territorial dispute, aggrieved and wounded and bleeding. 

What do you do when your brain robs you of who you are so quickly, like a thief in the night, to the point when the person you love doesn't even want to talk to you? Death bells ring for both the person your brain let you be and the person your heart wanted most. In three weeks, everything was lost to the carnage and horrors of war. There is no point chasing ghosts, but what if they haunt you?

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Cold shadows are cast long over where I used to bask in the sun. That was all that was won in the war of my mind and my love, the indifference of someone who used to be crazy attached to me. In the struggle to rebuild, reparations must be paid but the price is too high. Stop saying please and sorry, it falls on deaf ears. Ears that couldn't care less if they never hear your voice again when all yours want is to hear just one more "babe". Or the way your name rolled out of their mouth. Or anything, just anything. I would take hate over this any day.

My brain may be afflicted with psychological cancer but my heart has been cursed. A weight sits on it that could make Atlas flinch. Cursed to be distant, cursed with an eternity of indifference, all as punishment for not holding it together for one month. A lifetime of remembering that brief moment in the sun. A forever number of forevers of holding on to a handful of memories until they're smooth like river stones but stab like knives. A heart full of blame that only aims inwards. My mind fell apart and in the aftermath, I couldn't find the one thing my heart wanted most anymore. There's no coming back from indifference. It's an eternal damnation to your soul. First, they don't feel sweet anymore because you've soured into vinegar, then they don't feel anything at all because you've continued decomposing and have now completely disappeared. I can come back to this, but part of that is accepting he'll never come back. The civil war culminated in an atomic bomb.