It's been two many months

 There persists this acute ache that I can't shake off, no matter what I try to do. Which is hilarious if you see me in person, since all I do is shake. The trembles and tremors have spread from my fingertips to my core, which is where I suspect the ache resides. Side effects of the meds. Main effect is I don't try fastening a garrot again and suspending myself from the pipes I so tantalizingly left exposed in the house renovations. But the side effects are I shake. I can't work. Can't sleep. God, I miss sleep. Typing this is blissful torture, since the shakes and the aches in my hands are the worst, but somehow all the ache inside me gets better when some words spill out. So let them spill. I'm already a puddle on the floor, what else can we add to the mess I've made?

School has been damn hard. Very difficult to focus on the words I need to take in when all I want to do is vomit them out. Side effect is maybe I don't get to be who I want to be in my life, but then again I'd be alive? The scales are balancing but maybe they aren't for justice. Main goals, unintended consequences.

I keep looking at before and after pictures of natural disasters. Deeply relating to the loss. The before and after. All the time that ticks by now is just the after. All I was before has been wreaked havoc upon or something wreaking something and I'm left in the wake. Picking up the pieces is the primary task, but things keep dropping since these shakes keep coming. Horrible violent convulsions of the mind and the body. Unsteady and unsure of who I am anymore, where before I was so very focused, so secure. Maybe the ache is for that comfort in myself? Maybe that ache is for what I lost? Maybe it's guilt? Maybe it's anger. Maybe it's fear, this terrifying fear that grips me in the night when sleep won't come that I'll never get back to who I was, to what I had, to anything even remotely like before. That I can't rebuild. Fallen to ruin, permanently, yet stuck living out the main effects. Likely, it's grief for it all.